All the chisels I've dulled carving idols of stone...

Okay, I have a lot on my heart. I’m going to narrow this down to one, two, maybe three, four, or five things. Capisci?

Honesty, genuineness, and transparency (or lacks thereof) have marked many of my deepest convictions, insecurities, and friendship issues. I have a deep seated relationship with the aforementioned characteristics. Throughout my entire life, I have always held close to being honest, being real with people, and using honesty as a tool to navigate through friendships. In the past few months, as I have transitioned into college and being fronted with many different people, I have found myself wondering how I got to be such a people pleaser. Ah, yes, I said it… a people pleaser.

Generally, when I think of a people pleaser I think of someone who sucks up to nearly everyone to make them happy and as a consequence gain a rather “two faced” reputation. I have found this to not be entirely true, mostly because I’d like to not think of myself that way. I think of my people pleasing as more of a “not wanting to hurt someone because I am afraid that if I tell them what I’m REALLY thinking then I may not be able to stay close to them.” The real problem: I have this weird way of wanting to become everyone’s best friend if I find them attractive, funny, and generally fun to be around. While this problem may not be completely bad in itself, it is still a problematic plight to carry, because in all actuality: you cannot be everyone’s best friend. There is a difference between being called to love everyone - that beautiful agape love - and being super close to everyone. Jesus had his 12 and he also had his inner circle, the special two, I like to refer to them as (as of 3 seconds ago).

I’m not sure what point I was really trying to make, because I have been distracted by other things that are currently clogging my emotions. Let me regroup. Okay, my point is such: I have been caught in the middle of friend situations over the past few weeks, I have been handed situations where I have a choice to make: go the way I’ve always gone or take a risk and branch out from my confines. Let me inform you, I chose the latter. It has caused me to drift from my relationship with the Lord, and for that I am not proud. But this whole blog is about honesty, so if I were to sugar coat it and gloss it over with a pretty finish then I wouldn’t be sticking to the definition of this post.

I went to a concert tonight where John Mark McMillan (a favorite songwriter of mine) played, and his honest, raw lyrics made me cry. I thought about the meaning behind one of his originals (How He Loves) and I couldn’t help but be moved to tears. A lyric from that song that has driven me to my knees repeatedly during worship services,

“I don’t have time to maintain these regrets / when I think about the way / He loves us.”

Those lyrics are truly beautiful to me and they have awakened me in many times of apathy or guilt. I am moved to remember and reflect on the love that my Father has for me constantly, every day, without fail. Moreover, listening to John Mark sing that song and hearing the raw emotion in his voice as he alluded to the inspiration behind that song’s (his best friend dying) origin I couldn’t help but reflect on how much our Father truly does love us, then I felt the weight of glory fall upon my shoulders as I cried. I couldn’t help but feel the depths of His love all over again, in the midst of my drifting.

I’d like to sum this post up by saying that I have been inspired to be more honest, more real with people. I’m not convinced that this will be easy. I am also inspired to stay true to my relationships that the Lord has already placed in my life and give them the time and attention that they deserve. I could spend my entire life trying to be friends with everyone I meet, but if I did that then I would be missing out on the richness of growing intimate with my 12 and my inner 2. Lord, Lord, Lord… I am but a sloppy mess. Take me as I am, you always do.

“If love is an ocean then we’re all sinking.” I done drowned to the bottom and I’m not being resuscitated.

A strong shot of honesty, anyone? I’m willing to jump over the line of safety and legalism. Here I go.

Jenna