It should come as no surprise to the very few of you who read this blog that I like to neglect my blog for months at a time. Call it negligence, call it laziness, call it "I get too dang busy," call it apathy, call it not wanting to say the things I'm thinking because they are all the farthest things from PC, call it whatever you will, but know that my heart's still beating and my legs are still kicking. My mind's still stomping down in overdrive. Things have gotten so real in my life over the past several months that I have not wanted to share anything with this blog, because I know anything I have to say will not be what anyone reading this blog wants to hear. I have finally reached the point in my life where I have realized this is my life, and the only way I'm going to get anything going in a manner worth living for, then I'm going to have to stand up for myself, tell you what I believe about life, love, and the pursuit of happiness, and just hope that you'll see the grounds I stand on and will support me no matter where the wind may blow. In the meantime, I'll be sharing the ugly truth of my inner sanctum and everything around me at an anonymous blog where no one knows my name, my background, or anything else unless I give clues.
Love,
J
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
Playing it safe?
I haven't blogged in awhile. My bad! Well since the last blog post, I have been working on those things. There's always a reprieve, I feel like. Whether that's good or bad, I don't know, but I'm trying to work harder on these things again! Pray for me, y'all.
So... I didn't really have a particular topic in mind but I just felt this aching that I needed to write. I was at a friend's house yesterday and we were talking about life and such. We got onto the topic of writing. I started thinking about it and the more I thought about the more I felt CONVICTION for not writing more. I actually felt conviction. I think it's because I know the Lord has given me a gift to write and to write well. I haven't been exercising that gift. Like at all lately. This ashames me. So write more, I must. And by write... I don't mean type. I do mean WRITE. I haven't WRITTEN in ages. I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating either.
Anyway, I have a few things on my heart and mind so I'm going to talk about them briefly (or not so briefly because it's how I do...). Oh, and if you'll excuse me I'm going to go ahead and bullet point this biznass.
So... I didn't really have a particular topic in mind but I just felt this aching that I needed to write. I was at a friend's house yesterday and we were talking about life and such. We got onto the topic of writing. I started thinking about it and the more I thought about the more I felt CONVICTION for not writing more. I actually felt conviction. I think it's because I know the Lord has given me a gift to write and to write well. I haven't been exercising that gift. Like at all lately. This ashames me. So write more, I must. And by write... I don't mean type. I do mean WRITE. I haven't WRITTEN in ages. I'm pretty sure I'm not exaggerating either.
Anyway, I have a few things on my heart and mind so I'm going to talk about them briefly (or not so briefly because it's how I do...). Oh, and if you'll excuse me I'm going to go ahead and bullet point this biznass.
- For as long as I can remember I've wanted to marry someone who is a musician. Someone who can sing to me on my wedding day. I realize this may be a pretty typical dream of most girls. Yeah, that's fine...they can wish for that. But HELLO, we're talking about ME here. Oh my gosh...that sounded awful. It's kind of a funny story really. I have only dated 2 guys. And the last relationship ended over a year ago (talk about time flying!). And, so technically I haven't really settled, but it feels like I have because my heart has attached itself in so many different places. But really I guess the reason I'm mentioning this at all is because I have been thinking about dating a lot lately. I am soooo ready to be in a relationship again. I realize this is a normal, healthy desire. I also realize that I'm only 19 years old, so I should probably be a little more patient. BUT COME ON, I'M READY! I think... Oh but back to the point: tonight at this music show I was at I re realized the God given desires on my heart. And, I'm here to tell myself not to settle for less than a musician (one that loves Jesus, that is), because sometimes even when I think I'm being selfish there are just some things that God has given me, so take that for what it is!
- I only have one more bullet point. I thought there may be more, but I'm tired and have class in the morning. So, I've been a little all over the place this past summer and now. My spiritual life has been dead. I haven't cared. I've been completely and utterly selfish. I've taken on bad habits. I've done things I said I would never do and I've been plain awful. I'm currently in the midst of turning back around and facing God like I need to. A soul scrubbing of sorts. I went to a small group last night in da Hunts. And I'm pleased to say I think I've found a top notch group of girls that I pray to grow with this semester and possibly next depending on God's plan for my school education journey. I'm excited about this! And excited about being with Him again, all the time.
Friday, August 20, 2010
Simplicity
4 Simple Goals
Something I'm going to try. Take a step. Take a leap of faith. Better myself in the process. I'm game!
So, I guess this is the part where I write about these four goals and what they mean to me and how I plan to try to execute them!
1. Eat healthy & exercise. I realize this particular goal is a bit cliche and overused. It's probably worn out and tired from everyone's excessive use of its name. And so many times, we say its name in vain. Complete and utter vain, I tell you! This goal is pretty indiscriminate, but here's to making it work and giving it a new, sexier name! I'd already been practicing this goal over the past week or so. For some strange and ironic reason, I decided to start practicing this goal on the Bahamian Cruise I went on a week ago. I had dessert for dinner TWICE on the cruise... that's like unheard of. Who is this girl that has possessed my body and why did she decide to start eating so freaking healthy on a cruise of all places?
This week alone, I've eaten like 2 cookies and that's substantial for me. I literally walked by the cookie bar at work yesterday and reached for a beautiful milano cookie from Pepperidge Farms and then drew my hand back... WHO AM I?! And today before work, I went to Kroger and bought my lunch... a peach, an avocado, a can of green beans, chicken noodle soup, and water. Yesterday, I seasoned a bowl of garbanzo beans with lemon pepper, and that, my friends, was my lunch. I think Armageddon's on its way...
Oh, and as for the exercising part, I grabbed my work out clothes this morning so I would be left with no excuse when I get off work. AND, starting next week I'll have access to my school's gym. Better watch out, you guys, I'll be posing for Health and Fitness magazines pretty soon... I'm also trying this crazy thing where I stop eating when I'm full... last night, I had a delicious Cabana Bowl from Taco C, and I was full and had a lot of food left, but I STOPPED eating. My stomach felt betrayed. BUT, once I start shrinking that bad boy I'll finally be able to control my gluttonous habits and eating those god awful portions that Texas likes to serve me.
2. Bite My (Freaking) Tongue. For those of y'all that know me, and for those of y'all who barely know me, then you probably know I have a very impudent mouth. I'm quick to drop a sarcastic remark. I'm even quicker to say things to people, who love me more than life itself, that are bitter and undeserving. I started this exercise this morning (before I even knew about 4 Simple Goals) when I was highly irritated and grumpy. My mom complained about the "twangy" country music that I had chosen. She wanted me to change it. Normally, the sweet little beautiful young lady that I am would have snapped off, "Use your fingers. You know how to change the station." Instead, I bit my tongue and changed the station to some of her beloved "black music," as my dad would say. So, in summation... I'm practicing self control; it's a weird and foreign concept.
3. Overanalyze Less. Oh my word, y'all... If you spent a day in my mind, you would be STRESSED OUT and probably exhausted in need of a cool towel to wipe your forehead. And then you'd probably need a martini, extra dirty. I know I'm a girl and we're naturally more prone to this sort of thing, but seriously?! I'm a little worried about myself here lately. I've always known that I'm a deep thinker, but the places my mind has taken me lately are freaking me out. I stress over the tiniest details, especially when it comes to guys. Oh my gosh, what did he mean by that? If I text him more than once without his initial reply then he's going to think I'm clingy and annoying. Is it annoying if I call him if I haven't contacted him in over 24 hours? Then a good guy friend of mine told me the other day that it only seems this way to me because I'm so inside the situation and have thoroughly analyzed it, which means I'm wiggin' out for no reason. If I would take a freaking chill pill, I might not have a mental hernia.
4. Be a Selfless Friend. I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm typically a pretty good friend. I have a good memory and so I remember things that most people don't remember. I like to randomly buy things for people if it reminds me of them, and I like to keep in touch with people that I meet. It's just lately I've realized that so many people are forgetful and selfish. I don't want to be that friend. If I commit to something, then by all means... count me in. The only time I ever want to let a friend down is if it is for the sake of my family. This is big for me. BIG, I tell you. I spent all summer only wanting to be with friends and avoiding the house at all cost.
Well, here's to ending the last portion of 2010 with style, grace, and a smaller pant size!
Something I'm going to try. Take a step. Take a leap of faith. Better myself in the process. I'm game!
So, I guess this is the part where I write about these four goals and what they mean to me and how I plan to try to execute them!
1. Eat healthy & exercise. I realize this particular goal is a bit cliche and overused. It's probably worn out and tired from everyone's excessive use of its name. And so many times, we say its name in vain. Complete and utter vain, I tell you! This goal is pretty indiscriminate, but here's to making it work and giving it a new, sexier name! I'd already been practicing this goal over the past week or so. For some strange and ironic reason, I decided to start practicing this goal on the Bahamian Cruise I went on a week ago. I had dessert for dinner TWICE on the cruise... that's like unheard of. Who is this girl that has possessed my body and why did she decide to start eating so freaking healthy on a cruise of all places?
This week alone, I've eaten like 2 cookies and that's substantial for me. I literally walked by the cookie bar at work yesterday and reached for a beautiful milano cookie from Pepperidge Farms and then drew my hand back... WHO AM I?! And today before work, I went to Kroger and bought my lunch... a peach, an avocado, a can of green beans, chicken noodle soup, and water. Yesterday, I seasoned a bowl of garbanzo beans with lemon pepper, and that, my friends, was my lunch. I think Armageddon's on its way...
Oh, and as for the exercising part, I grabbed my work out clothes this morning so I would be left with no excuse when I get off work. AND, starting next week I'll have access to my school's gym. Better watch out, you guys, I'll be posing for Health and Fitness magazines pretty soon... I'm also trying this crazy thing where I stop eating when I'm full... last night, I had a delicious Cabana Bowl from Taco C, and I was full and had a lot of food left, but I STOPPED eating. My stomach felt betrayed. BUT, once I start shrinking that bad boy I'll finally be able to control my gluttonous habits and eating those god awful portions that Texas likes to serve me.
2. Bite My (Freaking) Tongue. For those of y'all that know me, and for those of y'all who barely know me, then you probably know I have a very impudent mouth. I'm quick to drop a sarcastic remark. I'm even quicker to say things to people, who love me more than life itself, that are bitter and undeserving. I started this exercise this morning (before I even knew about 4 Simple Goals) when I was highly irritated and grumpy. My mom complained about the "twangy" country music that I had chosen. She wanted me to change it. Normally, the sweet little beautiful young lady that I am would have snapped off, "Use your fingers. You know how to change the station." Instead, I bit my tongue and changed the station to some of her beloved "black music," as my dad would say. So, in summation... I'm practicing self control; it's a weird and foreign concept.
3. Overanalyze Less. Oh my word, y'all... If you spent a day in my mind, you would be STRESSED OUT and probably exhausted in need of a cool towel to wipe your forehead. And then you'd probably need a martini, extra dirty. I know I'm a girl and we're naturally more prone to this sort of thing, but seriously?! I'm a little worried about myself here lately. I've always known that I'm a deep thinker, but the places my mind has taken me lately are freaking me out. I stress over the tiniest details, especially when it comes to guys. Oh my gosh, what did he mean by that? If I text him more than once without his initial reply then he's going to think I'm clingy and annoying. Is it annoying if I call him if I haven't contacted him in over 24 hours? Then a good guy friend of mine told me the other day that it only seems this way to me because I'm so inside the situation and have thoroughly analyzed it, which means I'm wiggin' out for no reason. If I would take a freaking chill pill, I might not have a mental hernia.
4. Be a Selfless Friend. I don't mean to toot my own horn or anything, but I'm typically a pretty good friend. I have a good memory and so I remember things that most people don't remember. I like to randomly buy things for people if it reminds me of them, and I like to keep in touch with people that I meet. It's just lately I've realized that so many people are forgetful and selfish. I don't want to be that friend. If I commit to something, then by all means... count me in. The only time I ever want to let a friend down is if it is for the sake of my family. This is big for me. BIG, I tell you. I spent all summer only wanting to be with friends and avoiding the house at all cost.
Well, here's to ending the last portion of 2010 with style, grace, and a smaller pant size!
Friday, July 23, 2010
"Oh, this old thing?"
I may be 19 years old, but that does not mean I'm not already thinking about marriage and how to be a good housewife, or wife period. I'm a little traditional in that sense. I desire to give myself over to my husband and wait on him hand and foot, as long as he reciprocates with love, affection, and appreciation. I have so much in me that wants to cook well, clean regularly, and be the poster model for an awesome wife. I already sense myself desiring to put this into practice in my upcoming dating relationship(s). So I may be pushing the envelope a little too much right now, but these thoughts... must be released, I tell you!
So it may be kind of nerdy but I wanted to get a good idea of what things I needed to start working on in my everyday life in order to train myself to be ready for marriage. Now, I most certainly understand that many many things come with time and the seasoning of life, so I can't learn everything now. However, I feel like I can most certainly try to prepare myself now, and if anything it will only make me a better person. So below I'm going to list several of the things I think will send me on my way to becoming a good wife.
-Asking my future spouse or boyfriend to come, "What are your expectations of me, sweetie? What do you want me to do around the house? What will make you happy?"
-Keeping my appearance looking good. I feel this will come later when we have children. Keeping myself groomed (legs, armpits, hair, clothes, make up, etc.)
-Cooking. Experiment! Learn to be a better baker and chef! Explore the possibilities that lie within the culinary realm. Don't be lazy with microwave crap.
-Mindful of his needs and space. Don't be obsessive. Don't worry about him too much if he comes home and is in a bad mood. I mean I understand there will be many things that I need to pay attention to, but I want to be an accomodating wife who doesn't get on his nerves. I foresee myself having the house clean, wearing something sexy, and having his favorite ice cold beer or cocktail ready.
-Listen! Listen! Listen! Don't be a rude interrupter. (Think Jake&Vienna from the Bachelor) Homegirl can't keep her mouth shut. I can see how that would drive a man up the wall, especially when men need to be heard.
-Sex. Sex within the parameters of marriage is SOOO important. It keeps the flame alive. Love isn't all mushy gushy and an emotional drive all the time, but I understand that keeping that spark lit is super important. I also understand it shifts as time goes on and as we get older, but all the same it's super necessary!
-Don't try to change him. Trying to change a man is probably one of the most annoying things to him, like EVER. I hate it when people try to change me, so what makes me think he wants to be changed? I realize this will probably be a hard feat, but if I go into relationships and my marriage with this mindset then I hope I can be an understanding, diplomatic (when need be) wife.
-Let him control the manly things. Give him control of things. Let him be the pioneer when it comes to stuff that is up his alley. I'm sure this will differ with the men I date in the future and the man I marry.
-CLEAN! I like cleaning, really I do. I learned when I lived on my own that cleaning a little bit at a time and bi weekly really helps the load. I like clean, orderly spaces, so this will probably be something I typically stay on top of.
-Respect his friends. Give them an amiably hard time. But never flirt with them or cross lines that may make my husband feel uncomfortable.
-Be a time manager and money budgeter. I already do these types of things. I try to keep a budget-ish and I save monthly. I see this as being a good investment in my financial future with my husband.
-The little things. Know my husband well. Study him. Be mindful of what he likes, what makes him tick, what he doesn't like, etc. Cater to these things.
-GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. Be a good gift giver. Randomly. On special occasions. Whenever. Don't over do it, but make him feel wanted, needed, and valued from time to time.
I realize all of these things are very idealistic and that it will be hard to maintain all of these things all the time, but I want to always be working on them, because I want a super happy, blessed marriage.
Writing this is more for me to refer back to later and see what kinds of things I learn along the way as I continue to date people and potentially marry the man of my dreams. (Fingers crossed!)
So it may be kind of nerdy but I wanted to get a good idea of what things I needed to start working on in my everyday life in order to train myself to be ready for marriage. Now, I most certainly understand that many many things come with time and the seasoning of life, so I can't learn everything now. However, I feel like I can most certainly try to prepare myself now, and if anything it will only make me a better person. So below I'm going to list several of the things I think will send me on my way to becoming a good wife.
-Asking my future spouse or boyfriend to come, "What are your expectations of me, sweetie? What do you want me to do around the house? What will make you happy?"
-Keeping my appearance looking good. I feel this will come later when we have children. Keeping myself groomed (legs, armpits, hair, clothes, make up, etc.)
-Cooking. Experiment! Learn to be a better baker and chef! Explore the possibilities that lie within the culinary realm. Don't be lazy with microwave crap.
-Mindful of his needs and space. Don't be obsessive. Don't worry about him too much if he comes home and is in a bad mood. I mean I understand there will be many things that I need to pay attention to, but I want to be an accomodating wife who doesn't get on his nerves. I foresee myself having the house clean, wearing something sexy, and having his favorite ice cold beer or cocktail ready.
-Listen! Listen! Listen! Don't be a rude interrupter. (Think Jake&Vienna from the Bachelor) Homegirl can't keep her mouth shut. I can see how that would drive a man up the wall, especially when men need to be heard.
-Sex. Sex within the parameters of marriage is SOOO important. It keeps the flame alive. Love isn't all mushy gushy and an emotional drive all the time, but I understand that keeping that spark lit is super important. I also understand it shifts as time goes on and as we get older, but all the same it's super necessary!
-Don't try to change him. Trying to change a man is probably one of the most annoying things to him, like EVER. I hate it when people try to change me, so what makes me think he wants to be changed? I realize this will probably be a hard feat, but if I go into relationships and my marriage with this mindset then I hope I can be an understanding, diplomatic (when need be) wife.
-Let him control the manly things. Give him control of things. Let him be the pioneer when it comes to stuff that is up his alley. I'm sure this will differ with the men I date in the future and the man I marry.
-CLEAN! I like cleaning, really I do. I learned when I lived on my own that cleaning a little bit at a time and bi weekly really helps the load. I like clean, orderly spaces, so this will probably be something I typically stay on top of.
-Respect his friends. Give them an amiably hard time. But never flirt with them or cross lines that may make my husband feel uncomfortable.
-Be a time manager and money budgeter. I already do these types of things. I try to keep a budget-ish and I save monthly. I see this as being a good investment in my financial future with my husband.
-The little things. Know my husband well. Study him. Be mindful of what he likes, what makes him tick, what he doesn't like, etc. Cater to these things.
-GIVE, GIVE, GIVE. Be a good gift giver. Randomly. On special occasions. Whenever. Don't over do it, but make him feel wanted, needed, and valued from time to time.
I realize all of these things are very idealistic and that it will be hard to maintain all of these things all the time, but I want to always be working on them, because I want a super happy, blessed marriage.
Writing this is more for me to refer back to later and see what kinds of things I learn along the way as I continue to date people and potentially marry the man of my dreams. (Fingers crossed!)
Friday, July 16, 2010
Love is scary
3 days later, and I'm already writing another post. I guess I really missed journaling my thoughts and the events that have occurred in my life thus far this summer, and just in general for that matter. Writing is still so much a part of me, and I think it always will be. Whether I decide to minor it somewhere along the way in college, or whether I just sporadically use my gift is in question. All I have to say though is I love it, always have, and always will. Let's just pray my memory stays super so I can write about my life in times to come. I digress.
So my heart topic for the day... love. I talk about it a lot. I've been talking about if for years. I feel like I always have something different to say about it. Well, lately I've been reading fictitious novels. Okay, that sounds like I'm a crazy person who reads cheap, trashy romance novels. NOT THE CASE. They're books that usually involve a lawsuit, but they have great character development. I'm currently intrigued by Charlotte and Sean O'Keefe's marriage. It's unraveling rapidly. I'm still in the middle of the book, so I don't know where it's going to go, but right now I find myself asking questions such as,
"When I fall in love for the last time, will it be with someone who actually means 'for better or for worse..'?"
I have a friend who I am very close to and I consider her to be one of my best friends. She has completely opposing views on love. She doesn't 'believe in' relationships. She doesn't want to get married. She has a jaded view of love. I wonder if this is because of the things she's witnessed in her life through her parents' marriage and the relationships she's encountered. The boys she's dealt with. The places she has looked to be fulfilled. Because through it all and through everything I witness, I still have that hope in my heart that there is someone out there who is willing to focus on more than sex, who is willing to love me at my worst, who understands the price of life and is willing to risk everything with me. I understand that is a very idyllic view and that life happens and in the midst of life happening, things can go to crap. BUT I still have that hope in me. That light still shines in my heart, and I hope that this is what will allow me to fall in love and make someone very happy by serving them. I also wonder if I say all these things because I'm thinking about someone I am really attracted to and if lust drives that. Who's to tell...
Anyway, I just wanted to talk about some of the things that love has been doing to me lately.
I'm holding out for a hero :)
So my heart topic for the day... love. I talk about it a lot. I've been talking about if for years. I feel like I always have something different to say about it. Well, lately I've been reading fictitious novels. Okay, that sounds like I'm a crazy person who reads cheap, trashy romance novels. NOT THE CASE. They're books that usually involve a lawsuit, but they have great character development. I'm currently intrigued by Charlotte and Sean O'Keefe's marriage. It's unraveling rapidly. I'm still in the middle of the book, so I don't know where it's going to go, but right now I find myself asking questions such as,
"When I fall in love for the last time, will it be with someone who actually means 'for better or for worse..'?"
I understand that I need not worry about tomorrow, for it will take care of itself, but I can't help but ask myself these things. So much of me desires to belong to someone. I'm not the clingy type. I'm quite the opposite. I have a very independent nature, and I enjoy my 'me time'. I've always been that way and I think I always will be that way. I just desire to share my life with someone...so much. I'm crazy about love. But more than that, I'm crazy about loving SOMEONE."In order to have a crazy love story, one that bends at every curve, and leaves me berathless at the end of the day, I have to take a risk, don't I?"
I think the answer to that question is, yes. The more I think about it and the more I experience life and see things around me, I come to one conclusion: you don't get any more out of life than what you're willing to risk. How much am I willing to risk is the real question. I hope when push comes to shove, I'm willing to risk it all. I truly believe it's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. I also believe that love comes in many different forms and there will always be someone you can love. Whether that's romantically or not...
I have a friend who I am very close to and I consider her to be one of my best friends. She has completely opposing views on love. She doesn't 'believe in' relationships. She doesn't want to get married. She has a jaded view of love. I wonder if this is because of the things she's witnessed in her life through her parents' marriage and the relationships she's encountered. The boys she's dealt with. The places she has looked to be fulfilled. Because through it all and through everything I witness, I still have that hope in my heart that there is someone out there who is willing to focus on more than sex, who is willing to love me at my worst, who understands the price of life and is willing to risk everything with me. I understand that is a very idyllic view and that life happens and in the midst of life happening, things can go to crap. BUT I still have that hope in me. That light still shines in my heart, and I hope that this is what will allow me to fall in love and make someone very happy by serving them. I also wonder if I say all these things because I'm thinking about someone I am really attracted to and if lust drives that. Who's to tell...
Anyway, I just wanted to talk about some of the things that love has been doing to me lately.
I'm holding out for a hero :)
Tuesday, July 13, 2010
Major MIA
Long time no talk, my friend. I am sad to report that I have neglected this blog for a little over 2 months now. I'm sorry blog for my negligence. I can see the weeds are standing high around here and I need to pull them out and tell you all about my life since we last talked.
If I remember correctly I was admist finals week on that day and I was looking forward to my birthday the next day. I had a sweet, quaint birthday with close friends at the time back in San Antonio. They made me a cookie cake and had a pinata for me in order to properly celebrate Cinco de Mayo of course! How could we not? We were in San Antonio! I was enjoying my last few days in SA, and it was most definitely a bittersweet time, saying goodbye to people I knew I would probably never see again and temporarily saying goodbye to others. All in all, my year there closed out well with only a few weird moments to account for.
So into summer I fled. And man has it been a whirlwind ever since! I started off my summer in Austin with my family, celebrating my birthday with Joel, Ashley, and my Mom. We had a lovely time! We went to the Belmont and had a few drinks and enjoyed some local bands. Then I was back in my hometown by Sunday. The next day I had an interview for a job I was banking on; however, after an awesome interview I did not actually receive that particular job. My summer went forth in a stylish manner from there, and I was caught between so many friends and so many social engagements. I finally landed a job at Charming Charlie - but let me tell you I hated retail! H-A-T-E! It was the bane of my existence for a few short weeks, but that paycheck finally got me started on life, and then I got a job at a salon as a receptionist...talk about a shift! I L-O-V-E this job! Absolutely, 100% It is so much more my cup of tea, and boy do I enjoy drinking it! (Lame pun, excuse me)
So basically, my summer in a nutshell
-Hang with friends
-Austin weekend trips here and there
-4th of July weekend with the family in Louisiana
-Going to the gym when I find time
-Work
-Work
-Work
-Friends!
-Friends!
-Friends!
-Family
-Hook ups
-An upcoming cruise!
-Running around town like a chicken with my head cut off because I live way too far away from everything!
-Social engagements
My life has been running full force. I'm not prepared to talk about the internal changes that have been going on around here, but let me tell you...I feel different. I'm still ME, at least I think I am. But things are different, and honestly I'm SO okay with it. I feel great, really I do. Trust me.
Life is gravy. Now give me a biscuit! (Bad pun, again. Sorry!)
If I remember correctly I was admist finals week on that day and I was looking forward to my birthday the next day. I had a sweet, quaint birthday with close friends at the time back in San Antonio. They made me a cookie cake and had a pinata for me in order to properly celebrate Cinco de Mayo of course! How could we not? We were in San Antonio! I was enjoying my last few days in SA, and it was most definitely a bittersweet time, saying goodbye to people I knew I would probably never see again and temporarily saying goodbye to others. All in all, my year there closed out well with only a few weird moments to account for.
So into summer I fled. And man has it been a whirlwind ever since! I started off my summer in Austin with my family, celebrating my birthday with Joel, Ashley, and my Mom. We had a lovely time! We went to the Belmont and had a few drinks and enjoyed some local bands. Then I was back in my hometown by Sunday. The next day I had an interview for a job I was banking on; however, after an awesome interview I did not actually receive that particular job. My summer went forth in a stylish manner from there, and I was caught between so many friends and so many social engagements. I finally landed a job at Charming Charlie - but let me tell you I hated retail! H-A-T-E! It was the bane of my existence for a few short weeks, but that paycheck finally got me started on life, and then I got a job at a salon as a receptionist...talk about a shift! I L-O-V-E this job! Absolutely, 100% It is so much more my cup of tea, and boy do I enjoy drinking it! (Lame pun, excuse me)
So basically, my summer in a nutshell
-Hang with friends
-Austin weekend trips here and there
-4th of July weekend with the family in Louisiana
-Going to the gym when I find time
-Work
-Work
-Work
-Friends!
-Friends!
-Friends!
-Family
-Hook ups
-An upcoming cruise!
-Running around town like a chicken with my head cut off because I live way too far away from everything!
-Social engagements
My life has been running full force. I'm not prepared to talk about the internal changes that have been going on around here, but let me tell you...I feel different. I'm still ME, at least I think I am. But things are different, and honestly I'm SO okay with it. I feel great, really I do. Trust me.
Life is gravy. Now give me a biscuit! (Bad pun, again. Sorry!)
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
19 years and counting
Today is May 4, 2010. (I almost wrote 2009) Shows you how much I wish time would slow down! But alas, it stops not. I love this quote from Henry David Thoreau,
It is honestly crazy to me that my time card started 19 years ago (tomorrow). I was but a fetus preparing for my entry into the world 19 years ago today. I often say, "I wish I knew then what I know now." Truth be told, I'm glad I didn't know what I know now. Isn't that the fun in learning? Isn't that the fun in experiencing things firsthand? I certainly believe it is. It may not be fun in the moment and shoot, it may never be fun. BUT you learned something and you're that much more of a person for it. Now obviously, I could probably say a few things about people who didn't attain character from certain experiences, but that's not the point of my blog.
Honestly, the fact that I am such a sentimental, nostalgic person has had its toll on me in the past and sometimes still. I will get caught up in a moment then I'll stop dead in my tracks and be all like, "Oh my gosh, guys, we only have like 1 week of school left in our freshman year. It's crazy!" That may or may not be a direct quote of me over the past few days. And then I get all sappy, and eventually life goes on as it always does, but for those few moments and maybe more when I'm in the quite solitude of my room, I am sad that time keeps passing.
I have found myself here several times throughout this year. I always would say in high school, "I just don't want to leave high school. I am not ready to go to college." And people older and much wiser than I would tell me, "Oh, trust me, you'll be ready for college when the time comes." They were right. I was ready, but what I wasn't ready for was moving on with my life and getting older. My senior year left a sweet imprint on my heart, and I wasn't ready to go. I fell in love for the first time. I hung out with the sweetest friends. I grew a lot spiritually. I was part of an awesome youth group. I spent many hours talking about life, love, and God with people dear to me. I am tearing up as I think about it. In many ways, those experiences crafted me more distinctly into the person I am today, and in many ways those experiences cause me to wish I could re live it all over again.
The thing is though... I wouldn't actually want to re live all those moments again. As great as those times were, they are in the past for a reason. It may cause me great joy to live them over again, but I have to remember: those memories are strung together by time and as they fade into my internal hard drive I gloss them over. At the moment, I wanted to move on. I wanted time to HURRY UP. Each moment is brand new and worth living. Ah, the seasons we have been given.
Straight from the God breathed Scripture. It's almost like He knew we would struggle with something like that one day... ya think? Haha. So as often as I find myself wishing time would hurry up or slow down, I must remember that God stamped eternity in the hearts of men. We have a life everlasting with Him. All the more reason to ensure that I share this news with people. I understand that living life can be hard. I understand that there are things we as human beings want to experience. I understand that 'organized religion' can be seen as a root of evil. I understand that many teenagers just want to be "free to be me!" I GET IT.
I just want you to get IT. It being the Gospel. You don't have to be a stuffy, religious person. In fact, I would say being a stuffy religious person is not at all what the Lord has called us to be. He's the one who created us. I think He understands that not all of us FEEL a certain way. I'm not sure how I ended up here. All I know is that every time I begin to talk about something on my heart I'm always led back to the Gospel, because it is the source of inspiration in every area of my life.
Back to the initial theme of my blog: time passing. Yes, time passing as it's been doing forever. I started thinking about what this issue means in my life and I began to remember all the times I wrote a blog or a journal excerpt about it. This definitely isn't something new for me. But I would like to channel for a moment some of these blips on my time card.
February 16, 2007,
WOW. I would not want to sell my soul for those days anymore. Talk about M.E.L.O.D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C! I remember what I was feeling that day and I remember the memories I was envisioning. I can say now being three years removed that I am glad God has kept making all things new. I don't think I've ever understood the importance of that in my life firsthand until just now. I always have believed He can and will make all things new. But thankfully He also makes them new in US! How awful would that be if He didn't? We would grow old and bitter and our zest for life would deflate and not have a source of inflation. Man, oh man, how grateful am I that He is the author of life!
And the lyrics to a song that always speaks volumes to my soul every time I hear it...
I love y'all,
J
"Time is but the stream I go fishing in. I drink at it, but while I drink I see the sandy bottom and detect how shallow it is. It's thin current slides away, but eternity remains."
If there's one thing I've learned it's that time goes on... It stops for no one, so as a result I just have to keep enjoying the moments the Lord's been giving me, because as it is we are not guaranteed tomorrow. Life is sweet, and I choose to savor it.
It is honestly crazy to me that my time card started 19 years ago (tomorrow). I was but a fetus preparing for my entry into the world 19 years ago today. I often say, "I wish I knew then what I know now." Truth be told, I'm glad I didn't know what I know now. Isn't that the fun in learning? Isn't that the fun in experiencing things firsthand? I certainly believe it is. It may not be fun in the moment and shoot, it may never be fun. BUT you learned something and you're that much more of a person for it. Now obviously, I could probably say a few things about people who didn't attain character from certain experiences, but that's not the point of my blog.
Honestly, the fact that I am such a sentimental, nostalgic person has had its toll on me in the past and sometimes still. I will get caught up in a moment then I'll stop dead in my tracks and be all like, "Oh my gosh, guys, we only have like 1 week of school left in our freshman year. It's crazy!" That may or may not be a direct quote of me over the past few days. And then I get all sappy, and eventually life goes on as it always does, but for those few moments and maybe more when I'm in the quite solitude of my room, I am sad that time keeps passing.
I have found myself here several times throughout this year. I always would say in high school, "I just don't want to leave high school. I am not ready to go to college." And people older and much wiser than I would tell me, "Oh, trust me, you'll be ready for college when the time comes." They were right. I was ready, but what I wasn't ready for was moving on with my life and getting older. My senior year left a sweet imprint on my heart, and I wasn't ready to go. I fell in love for the first time. I hung out with the sweetest friends. I grew a lot spiritually. I was part of an awesome youth group. I spent many hours talking about life, love, and God with people dear to me. I am tearing up as I think about it. In many ways, those experiences crafted me more distinctly into the person I am today, and in many ways those experiences cause me to wish I could re live it all over again.
The thing is though... I wouldn't actually want to re live all those moments again. As great as those times were, they are in the past for a reason. It may cause me great joy to live them over again, but I have to remember: those memories are strung together by time and as they fade into my internal hard drive I gloss them over. At the moment, I wanted to move on. I wanted time to HURRY UP. Each moment is brand new and worth living. Ah, the seasons we have been given.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8,
"To every thing there is a season, and a time to every purpose under the heavens:
A time to be born, and a time to die; a time to plant, and a time to pluck up that which is planted; A time to kill, and a time to heal; a time to break down, and a time to build up; A time to weep, and a time to laugh; a time to mourn, and a time to dance; A time to cast away stones, and a time to gather stones together; a time to embrace, and a time to refrain from embracing; A time to get, and a time to lose; a time to keep, and a time to cast away; A time to rend, and a time to sew; a time to keep silence, and a time to speak; A time to love, and a time to hate; a time of war, and a time of peace."
Straight from the God breathed Scripture. It's almost like He knew we would struggle with something like that one day... ya think? Haha. So as often as I find myself wishing time would hurry up or slow down, I must remember that God stamped eternity in the hearts of men. We have a life everlasting with Him. All the more reason to ensure that I share this news with people. I understand that living life can be hard. I understand that there are things we as human beings want to experience. I understand that 'organized religion' can be seen as a root of evil. I understand that many teenagers just want to be "free to be me!" I GET IT.
I just want you to get IT. It being the Gospel. You don't have to be a stuffy, religious person. In fact, I would say being a stuffy religious person is not at all what the Lord has called us to be. He's the one who created us. I think He understands that not all of us FEEL a certain way. I'm not sure how I ended up here. All I know is that every time I begin to talk about something on my heart I'm always led back to the Gospel, because it is the source of inspiration in every area of my life.
Back to the initial theme of my blog: time passing. Yes, time passing as it's been doing forever. I started thinking about what this issue means in my life and I began to remember all the times I wrote a blog or a journal excerpt about it. This definitely isn't something new for me. But I would like to channel for a moment some of these blips on my time card.
February 16, 2007,
"...and made me think about my yester years. The days I would sell my soul for. The days where ignorance was bliss. The days I didn't have many regrets. The days where my mind was still tender and innocent. I almost couldn't think of the word I was looking for...innocence...because it has long since been taken from me. Because of the evils that I see take place in this world, not because of my wrong doings but because of everyone else. I'm not perfect, no where close, but I can truthfully say I haven't done many horrible things, but it's my mind that takes me places that I don't want to go. I miss the days where life was simple and stress didn't ride my back like a piggy back. Looking good didn't matter because I was a young, innocent, wide-eyed girl with only boogy monsters to fear. Life and its evil ways are stomping on my memories, but the memory God gave me is magnificent, and I'm hoping that life and its evil ways will back off my memories because they're mine, and I'd like to keep them for forever and a day. Thank you."
WOW. I would not want to sell my soul for those days anymore. Talk about M.E.L.O.D.R.A.M.A.T.I.C! I remember what I was feeling that day and I remember the memories I was envisioning. I can say now being three years removed that I am glad God has kept making all things new. I don't think I've ever understood the importance of that in my life firsthand until just now. I always have believed He can and will make all things new. But thankfully He also makes them new in US! How awful would that be if He didn't? We would grow old and bitter and our zest for life would deflate and not have a source of inflation. Man, oh man, how grateful am I that He is the author of life!
And the lyrics to a song that always speaks volumes to my soul every time I hear it...
It’s time for letting go
All of our if only’s
All of our if only’s
‘Cause we don’t have a time machine
And even if we did
Would we really want to use it?
Would we really want to go change everything?
‘Cause we are who and where and what we are for now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
So breathe it in and breathe it out
Listen to your heartbeat
There’s a wonder in the here and now
It’s right there in front of you
And I don’t want you to miss
The miracle of the moment
There’s only One who knows
What’s really out there waiting
In all the moments yet to be
And all we need to know
Is He’s out there waiting
To Him the future’s history
And He has given us a treasure called right now
And this is the only moment we can do anything about
And if it brings you tears
Then taste them as they fall
And let them soften your heart
And if it brings you laughter
Then throw your head back
And let it go, let it go
You gotta let it go
Listen to your heartbeat
Ah, and with that I will wish myself yet another Happy Birthday for tomorrow.I love y'all,
J
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